Best ever

When was the best

I’d ever felt?

She asked me in the dark

My breathing ragged

My heart rate spiked

She knew I’d dropped my guard

It killed me, ripped me open

Simply because I knew

Without any question

No trace of doubt

The when, the where

The who

She isn’t you and that’s okay

Because not many are

What killed me was

The choice I had

Was lie

Or break her heart

We tell ourselves stories

About who and what we are

But in this one

The honest man

Is just one more liar

And beauty should not matter

It shouldn’t come into it at all

But feeling her breathe

Next to me

I’ve never felt so small

So I stalled

I dodged

I lied

Not once mentioning your name

I told myself I was protecting her

As if that helped the shame

It’s always the same shit

And somehow the choices are

Who to break

Or to whom to lie

Because the next one

Isn’t far

But you weren’t like

The rest of them

And you’ll never know

That on the bad days

Remembering that afternoon

Is all that gets me through

I lied because

I didn’t know

How to tell her that

With you was the best

I’d ever felt

Now it’s just ink

On a pad